How to help…

I know many of us have felt helpless- we do not know what to do or how to help Bob & Kay.I found this letter and thought it might bring some insight.

“Please be patient with me; I need to grieve in my own way and in my own time. Please don’t take away my grief or try to fix my pain. The best thing you can do is listen to me and let me cry on your shoulder. Don’t be afraid to cry with me. Your tears will tell me how much you care.

Please forgive me if I seem insensitive to your problems. I feel depleted and drained, like an empty vessel, with nothing left to give. Please let me express my feelings and talk about my memories. Feel free to share your own stories of my loved one with me. I need to hear them. Please understand why I must turn a deaf ear to criticism or tired clichĂ©s. I can’t handle another person telling me that time heals all wounds.

Please don’t try to find the “right” words to say to me. There’s nothing you can say to take away the hurt. What I need are hugs, not words. Please don’t push me to do things I’m not ready to do, or feel hurt if I seem withdrawn. This is a necessary part of my recovery.

Please don’t stop calling me. You might think you’re respecting my privacy, but to me it feels like abandonment.

Please don’t expect me to be the same as I was before. I’ve been through a traumatic experience and I’m a different person. Please accept me for who I am today.

Pray with me and for me. Should I falter in my own faith, let me lean on yours. In return for your loving support I promise that, after I’ve worked through my grief, I will be a more loving, caring, sensitive, and compassionate person—because I have learned from the best.”

One Comment

  1. Avatar Erin said:

    That says a lot. Kay & Bob, none of us can even imagine what you are going through, but we all feel the pain for you. We love you so much and I will be there to give you all the love that I have. Kay, you’ve always been like the big sister I never had and I love you so deeply. You have always been there for me and I hope that in your time of need I can be there for you, even if it is down the road when you are ready to talk, or even cry. I love you so much and I would give everything I have if it could help you. Please remember that I am here always and know how much I care. I love you.

    September 10, 2004

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